Rest Easy

We said goodbye to a man today that has been in my life for over 30 years. My ex-father in law passed away last Thursday, he has had health issue for many years now but it still feels so unexpected. I went to the services and have spent the last several days with a family I was once a part of, watching my children grieve the loss of a grandfather, my ex-husband, and first love grieve the loss of a father. I wanted to be there to help, I wanted to be there to say goodbye. I looked around at this family, large Italian family and wondered what it would have been like to have stayed.

I entered their lives at 13, a young and wounded girl with a large crush on their son. My life had just changed so very drastically a little more than a year before (another story I may tell at another time) I was hurt, lost, abandoned…..discarded. I had no parents in my life. I lived with a family that hated me but for reasons that are their own I lived in a small back room there. I went to dinner one night and meet the family that would one day become my own. We did not always see eye to eye and I admit to making numerous mistakes with how I handled situations through the years and experiences with them but I look around now and realize that they never gave up on me and even in my absence I was welcome. This couple loved my children with a fierce and unconditional love and for that, I cannot even express my gratitude. They helped to build a foundation of love, responsibility, and family for them and in all these years I have been too broken to see and appreciate it properly. I am unable to express how much this meant to me to Joe now but I do think he knew. I hope that this lesson of loss and realization of a family stay with me and touch my children profoundly. There was every reason to turn their back and never try again but every time I would show up for a random holiday or special occasion (yes I was invited haha) I was always welcomed like it had been last week they had talked with me. Sometimes home isn’t a place, sometimes it is a feeling, a person, a family. I hope that tonight there is peace knowing that Joe is no longer suffering and is in a glorious Heaven in the presence of our Lord. Rest in Peace Joe, you will be missed.


And so it begins…

Living Broken

This first post has been months, years in the making. I wanted an outlet to tell my story. An outlet to vent the pain. An outlet to allow for healing. I know some say that people are not “broken” that we all have had circumstances in this life that have hurt us and changed us but that we are not broken. I disagree. Yes we have circumstances that change us and yes if these are few throughout life and considered normal in the world we will then yes I think you are hurt and can heal. There are some us out here that have one after another traumatic event happen, rapid succession, never allow us to catch our breath or make sense of one before must then face the next. In these situations   I feel there is a ….shift…. a fracture … undeniable and irreversible change inside of that person … inside of me….a brokenness that I carry throughout my life.  I want to use this blog as a walk along my journey. From start to finish. Maybe if I can pour it all out in words it will start to make sense. Not looking for followers (but you can walk along if it will help), not looking for sympathy or for someone to approve or even understand. This will simply be the story of my wanderings in this world and journey back to myself. You are welcome to walk with me if you feel the call.